People are often surprised and concerned at how their grief impacts them. Since there is not much grief training in our culture, we are not familiar with what to expect to feel after experiencing a major loss.

It is important to understand that grieving is a holistic and pervasive experience that impacts a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Don’t be afraid of your grief symptoms. They are merely a testimony to the importance of the relationship that you have lost.  Grief is a normal, healthy response to loss.

A wide and confusing range of emotions may be experienced after a loss.  Be gentle with yourself as you go through these phases, as grief is nature’s way of healing a wound. You will probably find that there are three fairly distinct phases to your grieving:

1. Numbness: (also shock, denial, or a sense of unreality). In this first phase, our minds slowly begin to adjust to the new reality that we have lost a loved one. Because this is such a difficult time, thinking about or experiencing the grief constantly would be too painful. So, we vacillate between knowing and not knowing, or believing and not believing that the loss has happened and is a reality. Give yourself time to come to terms with the loss.

2. Disorganization: This is a time of personal chaos, as we try to adjust to the world without our loved one. During this phase, we are intensely aware of the reality of the loss, but would do almost anything to escape it. Strong emotion and exhaustion permeate this time and grievers find it difficult to participate in many of their normal activities. The experiences of anger, extreme sadness, depression, despair and jealousy of other’s who haven’t experienced such a loss are all a normal part of grieving. It is during this time that a person slowly understands all the implications of the loss, and figures out how to live again.

3. Reorganization: (also recovery, reconciliation and acceptance). The disorganized, disrupted time a person experiences slowly finds a new balance point. The grief process slowly progresses and the person in mourning becomes aware that the physical signs of grief are fading and that the exhaustion isn’t as profound. Although the pain of the loss remains, the unbearably quality of it begins to lift. Hope returns. Life seems possible again.

Most pet owners who suffer a loss experience one or more of the following:

• Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest.  

• Have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite.

• Feel guilty at times and angry at others.

• Feel restless and look for activity but find it difficult to concentrate.

• Feel as though the loss isn't real, that it didn't actually happen.

• Sense their pet’s presence, like finding themselves expecting their pet to be waiting at the front door or window, hearing their bark, meow or churp, or seeing their face.

• Wander aimlessly and forget and don't finish things they have started to do around the house.

• Have difficulty sleeping and dream of their pet frequently.

• Need to tell and retell and remember things about their pet and the experience of their death/loss.

• Feel their mood changes over the slightest things.

• Cry at unexpected times.

• Feel tired, fatigue and helpless.

• Feel an overwhelming panic that nothing will be the same again.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the normal mourning that occurs when a pet owner is expecting a death. Anticipatory grief has many of the same symptoms as those experienced after a death or loss has occurred. 

Anticipatory grief includes depression, extreme concern for the dying pet, preparing for the death, and adjusting to changes caused by the death. It can give the family time to get used to the reality of the impending loss. People are able to complete “unfinished business” with their dying pet. 

 

"Grief work" includes the stages a pet owner needs to complete before resuming daily life. These processes include separating from their pet, readjusting to a world without their pet, and forming new relationships.  To separate from a pet that died or loss of a pet, a person must find another way to redirect the emotional energy that was given to the loved one.  This does not mean that the pet was not loved or should be forgotten, but that the mourner needs to turn to others for emotional satisfaction. The mourner's roles, identity, and skills may need to change to readjust to living in a world without their pet.  The bereaved needs to redirect the emotional energy that was once given to their pet to other people or activities.

Grief counseling helps pet owners with normal grief reactions work through the tasks of grieving.  The goals of grief counseling include:

• Describing normal grieving and encouraging the pet owner to accept the loss by talking about it.

• Helping the pet owner to identify and express feelings related to the loss.

• Helping the pet owner to separate emotionally from the deceased.

• Helping the pet owner to understand his or her methods of coping.

• Describing normal grieving and the differences in grieving among individuals.

• Providing continuous support and support at important times, such as birthdays and anniversaries.

• Identifying coping problems the pet owner may have and making recommendations for professional grief therapy, if necessary.

Grief therapy is used with pet owners who have more serious grief reactions. The goal of grief therapy is to identify and solve problems the mourner may have in separating from their beloved pet.  When separation difficulties occur, they may appear as physical or behavioral problems, delayed or extreme mourning, conflicted or extended grief, or unexpected mourning.

In grief therapy, the mourner talks about their pet and tries to recognize whether he or she is experiencing an expected amount of emotion about the death/loss.  Grief therapy may allow the mourner to see that anger, guilt, or other negative or uncomfortable feelings can exist at the same time as more positive feelings about their pet.

Humans tend to make strong bonds of affection or attachment with their pets.  When these bonds are broken, as in death or a loss, a strong emotional reaction occurs.  After a loss, a person must accomplish certain tasks to complete the process of grief.  These basic tasks of mourning include accepting that the loss happened, living with and feeling the physical and emotional pain of grief, adjusting to life without their beloved pet, and emotionally separating from the loved one and going on without him.  It is important that these tasks are completed before mourning can end.

In grief therapy six tasks can be used to help a pet owner work through grief:

1. Develop the ability to experience, express and adjust to painful grief-related changes.
2. Find effective ways to cope.
3. Establish a continuing relationship with their beloved pet.
4. Stay healthy and keep functioning.
5. Reestablish relationships and understand that others may have difficulty empathizing with their grief.
6. Develop a healthy image of her/himself and the world.

Complications in grief may come about due to unresolved grief from earlier losses.  The grief for these earlier losses must be managed to handle the current grief.  Grief therapy includes dealing with blockages to the mourning process, identifying any unfinished business and identifying other losses that result from the death/loss.  The pet owner must see that the loss is final and to picture life after the mourning period.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief reactions require more complex therapies than uncomplicated grief reactions. Adjustment disorders (especially depressed and anxious mood or disturbed emotions and behavior), major depression, substance abuse, and even post-traumatic stress disorder are some of the common problems of complicated bereavement.  Complicated grief is identified by the extended duration of the symptoms, the disruption to daily life caused by the symptoms or by the intensity of the symptoms (for example, intense suicidal thoughts or acts).

Complicated or unresolved grief may appear as a complete absence of grief and mourning, an ongoing inability to experience normal grief reactions, delayed grief, conflicted grief, or chronic grief.  Factors that contribute to the chance that one may experience complicated grief include the suddenness of the death/loss and the intensity, closeness of the relationship to the beloved pet.

Grief reactions that turn into major depression require treatment. Someone who avoids any reminders of their pet, who constantly thinks or dreams about their pet, or who gets scared and panics easily at any reminders of their pet may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.  Substance abuse may occur, frequently in an attempt to avoid painful feelings about the loss and consequent symptoms (such as sleeplessness), and this should also be treated.

It is important to cry and talk with people or a professional when you need to. 

Sources:
Washington University College of Veterinary Medicine, AARP, National Cancer Institute, National Institutes of Health-Bethesda, National Institutes of Health-National Library of Medicine, Canadian Mental Health Association, Mental Health Association, Worden JW: Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Shuchter SR and Zisook S: Treatment of Spousal Bereavement: A Multidimensional Approach, Corr CA, Nabe CM, Corr DM: Death and Dying, Humane Society of the United States, National Funeral Directors Association and Sife W: The Loss of a Pet.